


How could I ever love someone else?

by kcrdia



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family, Friendship, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:14:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28750518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kcrdia/pseuds/kcrdia
Summary: How does Hailey deal with her best friend's death? Will Jay help her through it or does she shut him off for keeping it a secret? Slight Upstead AU Slowburn
Relationships: Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	1. Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> Possible TW: Character Death

Twelve months since Vanessa joined intelligence.

Six months since Hailey was sent away to New York.

Four months since Vanessa caught a bullet in the chest.

Two minutes until Hailey returned from New York. 

  
  


The unit never planned on keeping her death a secret from Hailey but after countless failed attempts to contact her while she was undercover with the FBI to stop a sex trafficking ring, they had to have the funeral. After the funeral, it would've been rude to tell her over the phone so despite the long wait, no one said a word to her. It wasn't hard, only in the last week of her stay in New York was Hailey released from her undercover work so communication was pretty much non-existent anyway. 

On the day of Vanessa's funeral, Jay and Voight fought about what to tell Hailey - Voight wanted everybody to text Hailey or call as they normally would once she was back from undercover to keep Hailey from rushing home once her suspicions grew, but Jay couldn't do that. 

Nobody did what Voight asked them to - essentially lie to Hailey - without the feeling of sorrow in their chest. The unit prided itself on honesty among each other and this, while only a white lie, felt like a punch in the gut.

Jay, however, could not, and never would be able to, lie to his partner, the one person who he was always honest with, no matter what. So he stayed silent. He didn't respond to texts, calls, emails - anything, from Hailey in her last week. It wasn't an easy thing for him to do but he figured it was for her own protection. 

  
  


Voight had given him the job of telling her the news so he stood waiting at the airport, nervously checking the flight board and the watch until New York - Chicago and 6:00 pm blinked rapidly. He took a deep breath, pushed thoughts of Vanessa out of the way until tonight or tomorrow and smiled genuinely for the first time in four months - his partner was coming back. 

He looked out the window and saw planes depart and arrive. The sky was the deep blue it always was at the cusp of summer and fall - his favourite time of the year. He snapped a quick picture to show Hailey as a joke that she was finally here now. Before her undercover mission and before Vanessa, he and Hailey had a fun streak going of sending each other photos of the sky from Chicago or New York to see who had better weather. His smile saddened a bit, remembering when life was more carefree and less brutal. 

"You always look this sad while waiting for your partner?" Hailey laughed quietly. 

He turned around and saw the same deep blue he saw in the sky but in the form of his partner's eyes.

"You always sneak up on your partner while they're waiting for you?" he countered with a chuckle. 

She smirked, "Only if my partner isn't really paying attention and not doing his job".

Jay laughed a bit more heartedly, “Oh is that’s what this is now? A job? Picking up my partner is a job?”

Hailey missed this; the friendly banter between them made her forget the uneasy feeling she’s been having the last week when Jay didn’t respond to her texts.

“So you’re telling me you’re not on duty?”

“I mean...yeah I guess I am,” he said defeated but his voice laced with laughter, “Voight said I could take the day of though, if you wanna do something together. Or if you want, I can leave you alone also to unpack and stuff, I don’t mind.”

He realised his mistake a second too late. He needed to tell her about Vanessa before she went to their place and saw she wasn’t there. 

He was kind of glad she didn’t respond immediately, so he said, “How about beer and I’ll order Bartoli’s for my place?”

Hailey nodded and chewed her lip, “Sure, sounds good”.

The car ride was unusually quiet, although neither of them really noticed, they were too wrapped up in their own thoughts. Hailey had some secrets of her own, ones that she tried to forget for the day, but Jay reminded unknowingly her when he mentioned hanging out or unpacking. 

* * *

**_“Wanna hang out or unpack Halstead?” asked Oliver._ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Hailey smiled to herself - pleased that she at least had something that made her happy while undercover. She realised how risky the name Halstead could be if Oliver searched it up in the police database but she doubted he would do that; he wasn’t exactly the background check type of guy._ **

**_“I don’t mind,” she blushed while twirling her hair, playing the role of a vulnerable, shy, woman perfectly._ **

**_Oliver picked up on these small details and grinned to himself._ **

* * *

It wasn’t until they had gotten pizza and beers that they finally found the words they wanted to say.

“Hailey…”

“I need to tell you something”

They laughed softly when they spoke at the same time but neither of their hearts were in it.

“You go first,” Jay said, after grabbing their beers and settling on his couch. 

Hailey took a deep breath, “A lot of things happened in New York...especially while I was undercover..”

She stopped when she saw Jay - his eyes a mixture of pity and worry - and decided not to do this tonight. 

“But that’s a conversation for another day. I need to ask you something though…”

“Ask me anything,” he said and took her hand and squeezed it when he saw the tears form around her eyes. 

“I-Why didn’t you contact me last week?”

The tears were now streaming down her face and she hated it. She hated feeling vulnerable. She hated that she cared about whether Jay texted or not. She hated how all of this reminded her of the person she was meant to be undercover and how she was supposed to be stronger in real life.

“Hailey...I...this is what I needed to tell you”

He sighed and looked right at her tear filled eyes, “About two months after you left for New York, we were needed on the abduction case of a high ranking government official. Vanessa...she compromised with the offender and she took her place. Well...when we tried to get Vanessa back...she took a bullet to the chest…”

His own eyes were watering as well and he took a small pause hoping he wouldn’t have to actually say it. 

“J-Jay? What are you trying to say?”

“She’s gone...” he whispered and hugged Hailey close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey guys, this is my first time writing on AO3. It's an Upstead story - partners for now but it might become something else if I continue to write. I plan on this being Chapter 1 so hopefully there'll be more. Thanks for reading it <3


	2. Home and Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - Thank you for so much love on my first chapter! If you wanna get in touch with me I also post on ffn and have an instagram edit account with the same user (@/kcrdia). I hope this chapter wasn't too sad and I'm sorry it's so short. Also, if anyone can show me how to not get the notes from the previous chapter at the bottom of this one that would be greatly appreciated

**_“She’s gone...”_ **

**_“When?”_ **

**_“About four months ago…”_ **

* * *

Jay was worried about Hailey. After he had told her what happened to Vannessa and how long ago it did, she shut him off. She didn’t say a word, just grabbed her phone and sat outside his door, waiting for an Uber, leaving Jay alone.

Hailey had wanted to yell, scream, cry and do so many things to let her reaction out, but years spent undercover stopped those impulses. Instead, she left Jay’s house with nowhere to go. She couldn’t go home - too many memories - but she couldn’t go back inside - too much anger and frustration. She knew he wasn’t to blame; she knew nobody was really to blame apart from the offender. However, Hailey also knew that apart from the obvious feeling of grief, she also felt resentment toward her unit. 

Four months. They kept her death from her a secret for four months. 

She sighed and put her head in her hands as her phone beeped. Her Uber cancelled. It was fine, she needed to be alone right now anyway, so she stood up and started walking towards the park to clear her head.

As much as she hated Jay at this moment, a part of her wanted to text him. Not only because she needed answers (Why wasn’t she told sooner? What was the funeral like? Where was she buried? Was she even buried or cremated?) but because she needed him. Not in the ‘woman needs a man to save her way’ but she needed her partner. But she couldn’t text him, she needed time to process it. 

Realising, she had walked around the park three times already, she decided to leave. In her hurry, she had forgotten her suitcase at Jay’s but she had her essentials. She figured she’d see him tomorrow at work anyway along with the whole unit. 

Mentally, she wasn’t prepared for work but she needed to talk to Voight. 

Hailey ended up walking to a hotel and checking in. It was eerily similar to her first day in New York - feeling like a little lost on the first day and having work on the next - except this time she was home. But could she really call it home without Vanessa? 

* * *

**_“So Upton, how’s New York? Your new home yet?” OA, her partner at the FBI, lightly teased._ **

**_“New York is great and all but I miss my partner,” she blushed and tried to save herself, “and my unit and my best friend.”_ **

**_“Well, I’ll miss you when you go back home,” he smiled lightly._ **

* * *

Hailey couldn’t stop the memories flooding in. Every time she mentioned Chicago as her home, she had meant her unit but she really only wanted to go home to two people - Vanessa and Jay. Sure, Adam, Kevin and Kim were her friends but she loved Vanessa and Jay. 

Even only in her head, she seemed shocked at what she had just thought. She loved Jay. She knew it for a long time but refused to acknowledge it until he got shot. Hell, Vanessa helped her realise it. But right now, out of the people that she loved, one was dead and at the other, she was pissed beyond words. Hailey took a beer out of the mini bar and, alone, toasted to her misery. Out of spite, she took a photo and almost sent it to Jay with the caption ‘doing our thing by myself because you caused the need to do it’. But she couldn’t do it. She knew Jay would then really blame himself for her death. Despite not knowing exactly what happened, Hailey knew that if she sent that text, it would send Jay into a rabbit hole of guilt and she couldn’t knowingly make him spiral. 

She turned on the TV, hoping to watch something to take her mind off today, but she laughed at the irony when she heard her phone beep and saw Jay had sent her a text.

Her laugh, however, disappeared when she read the text.

**‘Hey Hailey, I know you’re probably pissed at me but I just wanted you to know that it’s 19:49 right now. The time she died. I’m sorry’**

Hailey didn’t know how to respond. His text was blunt, and his apology even more so. But she pushed thoughts of Jay out of the way for a moment, deciding to pay tribute to Vanessa by reading their last conversation over text.

* * *

**_‘Hailey, you left without saying bye! I miss you :(‘_ **

**_Hailey laughed at how much of Vanessa she could feel in a text. It was only her first day and she could only see Vanessa getting more and more impatient for her return._ **

**_‘I’m sorry!!! Next time I leave I’ll make sure to let you know first. And the feeling’s mutual :(‘_ **

**_‘There’s gonna be a next time?!?!!?! Wow Hailey, you’re really killing me here. You know I can’t finish the Harry Potter movies without you!’_ **

**_‘We’ll watch it when I get back I promise’_ **

**_‘You are coming back right?’_ **

**_‘What? Are you and Jay twins or something he asked me the same question’_ **

**_‘Nah, we’re just two people who really love you and want you to come back’_ **

**_‘I’m not even gonna fight you on your comment about Jay-’_ **

**_‘We all know it’s true Hailey. Also, if Jay gets shot again (because let’s be honest your man isn’t exactly bulletproof) can I almost tell him I love him?’_ **

**_‘I hope you’re joking- But if Jay does and gets shot you’ll be the first person I’m blaming’_ **

**_She hoped Vanessa could see she was being sarcastic or else it would’ve been a really horrible thing to say._ **

**_‘What happened to girls over guys? I’m kidding, I know you’d die for that man and blame heaven and earth if anything ever happened to him’_ **

**_‘You know Jay’s my partner and means ALMOST as much to me as you do’_ **

**_‘Anyway, Voight caught a case I have to go I love youuu‘_ **

**_‘I’ll be back soon I promise bye, I love you more <3’_ **

* * *

Hailey couldn’t bear to read the last message. Vanessa wrote her a couple times, while Hailey was undercover. But the last message she sent will forever open the wound of her death.

**‘I’m waiting here for you’**

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hey guys, this is my first time writing on AO3. It's an Upstead story - partners for now but it might become something else if I continue to write. I plan on this being Chapter 1 so hopefully there'll be more. Thanks for reading <3


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